Never ONLY a Mother

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I started running again and it made me feel empowered.

Running made me start writing again, and it made me feel creative.

Writing made me start singing again, and it made me feel happy.

For all of the boundless blessings motherhood brings, its tendency for being all consuming can leave a lady feeling surprisingly empty, lonely and bored. For the record, I wouldn’t give up motherhood for anything in this world nor would I give up my opportunity to stay home and raise them for anything in the world.  Daily, I am grateful for both.

Growing up I always wanted to be a mother. This is my dream job, and within all jobs there are some things that suck sometimes. For me its been the bordom. I find myself missing my old mind, I used to think about things and solve problems when I was in the career world. Now I think about diapers and dinners, tantrums and time outs, laundry and more laundry. When my husband gets home from work I feel like I have nothing interesting to talk about, because how many times can I tell him  that I went to Story Time and the grocery store.

So I started reading.  Really reading, a lot of reading. Reading made me feel engaged in something outside of my own world and hinted that I could think again. That I could think while still working here, at my dream job, filled with diapers and those precious dimples.

Reading reminded me of who I used to be and I used to run. So I started running again, and let me tell anyone out there who has not yet had a baby, the books that say you can start running again at 8 weeks postpartum are misleading! Some women can, this woman could not. My body felt like it was going to fall apart for months after giving birth to my second child and I couldn’t start really running or training until after she turned one.

Turns out, I could still run. I could still run far and I could still run fast. Running made me feel empowered and confident and competitive and that was fun.

Running reminded me that I am still me. Still Sarah, and Sarah had always loved to write. So I started to write again and that writing made me feel creative.

Writing for me is just what ‘they’ say it is, not as much of a want as it is a need. A need to write the sentences and the paragraphs that fill your head, regardless of  whether or not anyone actually reads them.

Feeling empowered and creative, I found myself singing in the shower. I come from a musical family where music and singing have been a part of my life since its conception. One thing I know about myself, is that when I find myself singing I’m in a good place.  I laughed out loud and thought to myself running made me feel empowered, writing made me feel creative and singing made me feel happy.

In my attempt to be the best mother I can be, to hold onto my children with all of my might I let go of too much of myself.  I got bored and lonely amidst the joy of living out my dream of being a stay at home mom.

The moral of my story is this. If you want to be a mother become one and soak up every ounce of your children. Enjoy their unique little selves to the umteenth degree. And when it sucks and you are exhausted and bored remember that thats ok . Feel free to remember that Motherhood is not all that you are. You are still everything that you were before plus everything you are as a mother. Now you are also a mother, never only a mother.

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3 thoughts on “Never ONLY a Mother

  1. This post literally made me cry. I feel like so many are perfectly happy to be “just” mothers but I need things that are just for me in order to maintain my sanity! Thanks so much for this post- it helps knowing that I’m not alone.

  2. Kudos to you for momopolizing your kids, Sarah! I, too, looked a lot more like paintings after giving birth, but those paintings are classics, right? I enjoy your writing and candor so much that I can’t wait to send my daughter a link to your blog. Thanks!

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