I’m not even sure I want it all

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One week from today my first born baby turns three. That means that next year she is in preschool and then in two years she is in kindergarten and our entire schedule changes. Its going so fast that its gotten me thinking…maybe I don’t really want it all after all.

As a woman who once found much of my identity from my work I have often sampled the punch that says “You can have it all” and  tasted the stronger punch that says “You should have it all” and toasted with the top tier spiked punch that says “You should want to have it all!”

The trouble is that when I feel like I don’t actually want it all I feel guilty, like I need to keep it a secret, or that I’m not enough of a modern woman or enough of a mother if I don’t want more right now.

I’ve been hearing a lot lately from women who have already raised their children that yes, they believe that you can have it all, just not at the same time. I think I’m finally feeling comfortable with that. My first baby will be three years old in one week and I’m finally buying into this idea that I don’t need to have it all right now, and I might not even want it.

Growing up all I ever really wanted to be was a mother. I mean, I had other dreams that I pursued and was succesful at like singing in the state choirs in high school and going to college on a theater scholarship then moving two weeks after graduation to live by myself in LA and be a working actor. ( I’ll talk more about that some other time) But in my heart of hearts, the dream I dreamt with each passing daydream was that of being a wife and a mother.

Now that its here, now that I have those cherished moments of your toddler hugging your leg or running to greet you with tiny fast feet and a big toothy grin, having memorable conversations with my 2 year old about heaven and why puppies have four feet but we have two, and begin so blessed with the honor of being someone’s mother, I feel like I’m supoosed to want more.

And I just don’t think I do.

There will be time to run that marathon and train for that second Tri when my children are in school for 8 hours a day. There will be time to be an influencer in the blogging community. There will be time to publish my line of childrens books that is floating around in my mind, but its not all right now.

Right now is my time to have these tiny children all to myself and to have our schedule be as free as a Jay Birds, except of course for our nap schedule.

I love to write and have taken my first tiny steps towards my dream of a writing career with my MomopolySarah blog and my first writing contract with Today’s Mamas, and that is going to be enough for me and my heart and my young family right now.

If that makes me less of a modern women than so be it. I am fine with that today. I mean, wasn’t the entire Women’s Lib movement about we women having the freedom to make any choice we want to make? So today, I choose to be the mom I’ve always dreamt of being and choose to continue to dream of being a marathon runner and a big time blogger down the road.

Let it be known that my parents are business owners and my mother worked every hour of every day and many holidays my whole life. So I have no qualms about working mothers, nor do I believe that one way it better than the other. For many of those years I was dreaming of being a mom I dreamt of being a working mom, but then I married and had the opportunity to be a stay at home mom and I am very grateful for that, since its suits me and our family so well.

One of the best parts about being a Mother is that we each get to be exactly the type of mother we want to be. So make your own choice today to be the mother you’ve always wanted to be. Be it a high powered CEO, a nurse that works nights, a teacher, a pastry chef that works early mornings, a Mother Runner who pushes three kids in a BOB stroller made for two, be it whatever it may, be the mother of your own dreams starting today.

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September Memories by GrandMomopoly Beth

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September  Memories

“In the end. it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years” Abraham Lincoln

As September rolls around, I am reminded that both my Mother and my Father  were born in September, 1907.. My Mother on the 13th. My Dad on the 18th.  He always said that he married an older woman!!

The last time I saw my Mother was in September of 1979. They surprised me with a visit on their way home from a train trip across Canada and the US.  I still see them standing in the window of the train waving to me as they pulled away..

I was 30 years old with a 6 yr old, a 2 yr old and a newborn… getting the oldest ready for school the Monday morning of October 22, 1979.. The phone rang. My sister was on the other end.. “Mother’s gone”, she said. Mother was 72.

Mother was a truly amazing woman. Grew up on a farm in Saskatchewan. A Nurse, Pastor’s wife Mother, lover of people and lover of her family. Mother went back  to work at age 55 after not working for 35 years. She took an RN refresher course , renewed her license and learned to drive a car all in the same year. She had always been there for me..

Now she was gone..

She left so many memories. How to dry 2 dishes at the same time, how to iron a man’s shirt, How to respond( or not respond) when someone spoke poorly of you . How to live within your means, especially when your means was meager. Mostly she taught me how to love unconditionally. She always saw the best in those around her and she loved me…

Mother’s death changed my life.. How I look at death.. “It can’t be that bad, Mother did it” to how I raised my Children and lived my life.. I also had to grow up and be an adult.. Cause now I was the Mom, not the child.

What would I leave behind?  What memories would my children have of me? Would it matter, when I die, That I had lived?

Losing my  Mother at a young age was incredibly hard for me. Just this year, 33 years later I wished I could talk to her a get her advice.. But it was also such a blessing  in forcing me to face hard things and live through them.. to accept that all life ends and that death is certain.

This September,  our  family is again looking the end of life square in the face.. Two precious women  are preparing  to step into the venture of eternity.. One , at 89 has lived many fruitful  years, raised a family, seen her grandchildren grow up and has seen 7 Great grandchildren born  with 2 more on the way.  She has served her God, her family and her community. She leaves a legacy of commitment, music and faith.

The other is a beautiful  55 year mother of 3 adult children whose journey   we had hoped would be much longer.. Wonderful wife, Mother, friend..with a tremendous sense of humor. Raised Godly children in a very anti God environment… Her legacy is family, friends and champion of the underdog..

Beautiful and funny . ( editors note: Our family lost our lovely Janna to Ovarian Cancer on September 9th 2012)

Again, today.. How do I live my life? What legacy will I leave behind? What will my children, grandchildren and friends say how I impacted their lives..?

” Take the blue of the sky and the green of the forest, And the gold and brown of the freshly mown hay; Add the pale shades of spring and the circus of autumn, and weave you a lovely today..for

We have this moment to hold in our hands and to touch as it slips through our fingers like sand; Yesterday’s gone and tomorrow may never come, But we have this moment today.”  Gaither Vocal Band

Live purposely so your legacy will be one that makes September memories.

Life is amazingly Good

 

 

 

 

God Knows I’m Mad

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I don’t like it when people die.

I don’t like it when people get cancer.

I especially don’t like it that I lost a family member to cancer this week.

Ovarian Cancer.

She wasn’t very old and she still had lots of life and time to spend with people. But cancer took her away from us and God said that that was OK.

My own mother lost her mother to a sudden heart attack when she was only 30. When that phone call came, my mother had a 6 year old, a 2 year old and a 2 month old. God also said that was OK.

I don’t always agree with what God says is OK. And that too is OK. God’s plan doesn’t hinge on my emotions or my understanding.  Its His plan and only he can see both the beginning and the end of the whole thing.

This I do understand. That its OK, that I don’t always agree with His plan or His timing or His decisions. Its OK, that sometimes I get mad at Him, and when I am I tell Him.

God is bigger than me, bigger than my anger, bigger than my deepest sadness and he can handle anything I throw at him. God asks for me to be faithful and obedient, he doesn’t ask for me to never be sad or angry or disappointed or frustrated or just plain pissed off that wonderful people get cancer at all.

This isn’t the first time I’ve said to Him “This is who I really am and I’m really angry with you”. To which He replies “I know that you are hurting and I love you and I will never leave you. This is who I really am.”

So, my mother lost her mom at 30. A ridiculously young age to have to lose your mother. God said that was OK. And now, 33 years later, if she had not lost her mother she would not be able to so succinctly and sympathetically help my cousins through the loss of their own mother. Because she knows first hand what is is to feel like you are dying because of the intensity of your grief and to not be able to walk into a Hallmark store on Mother’s Day for a decade.

Turns out, even with the crushing pain and searing loss, God knew what he was doing.

It doesn’t really make it easier or make my own mother not wish that her mother would have lived longer. It doesn’t make losing my aunt any less sad to anyone who knew her.  It still doesn’t seem fair. But it may offer a small twinge of hope, knowing that God is still in control, and that He knows your mad He’s OK with that right now.