God Knows I’m Mad

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I don’t like it when people die.

I don’t like it when people get cancer.

I especially don’t like it that I lost a family member to cancer this week.

Ovarian Cancer.

She wasn’t very old and she still had lots of life and time to spend with people. But cancer took her away from us and God said that that was OK.

My own mother lost her mother to a sudden heart attack when she was only 30. When that phone call came, my mother had a 6 year old, a 2 year old and a 2 month old. God also said that was OK.

I don’t always agree with what God says is OK. And that too is OK. God’s plan doesn’t hinge on my emotions or my understanding.  Its His plan and only he can see both the beginning and the end of the whole thing.

This I do understand. That its OK, that I don’t always agree with His plan or His timing or His decisions. Its OK, that sometimes I get mad at Him, and when I am I tell Him.

God is bigger than me, bigger than my anger, bigger than my deepest sadness and he can handle anything I throw at him. God asks for me to be faithful and obedient, he doesn’t ask for me to never be sad or angry or disappointed or frustrated or just plain pissed off that wonderful people get cancer at all.

This isn’t the first time I’ve said to Him “This is who I really am and I’m really angry with you”. To which He replies “I know that you are hurting and I love you and I will never leave you. This is who I really am.”

So, my mother lost her mom at 30. A ridiculously young age to have to lose your mother. God said that was OK. And now, 33 years later, if she had not lost her mother she would not be able to so succinctly and sympathetically help my cousins through the loss of their own mother. Because she knows first hand what is is to feel like you are dying because of the intensity of your grief and to not be able to walk into a Hallmark store on Mother’s Day for a decade.

Turns out, even with the crushing pain and searing loss, God knew what he was doing.

It doesn’t really make it easier or make my own mother not wish that her mother would have lived longer. It doesn’t make losing my aunt any less sad to anyone who knew her.  It still doesn’t seem fair. But it may offer a small twinge of hope, knowing that God is still in control, and that He knows your mad He’s OK with that right now.